Jessica Simpson Prompts Hypocrisy and Irony

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I don’t follow Jessica Simpson, per se.  Actually, I don’t really follow anybody, celebrity or otherwise.  (I follow people on Twitter, but they came up with that word, not me.)

weight-loss Anyway, so I had no idea that Jessica Simpson was doing anything these days other than collecting whatever royalties she gets and presumably working on her next album or movie or TV show, or whatever.  But, I guess, she is out doing concerts around the country and she is plumper than she used to be.  This, of course, leads to standard, and very predictable steps to pseudo-controversy.

  1. It starts with the tabloids calling Jessica Simpson fat.
  2. Society’s lowest common denominator starts talking about it.  For men it is about how she “used to be hot”, for women it is about “have you seen what Jessica Simpson looks like?”
  3. Since only the very bottom of this segment of society actually reads tabloids on a regular basis, they haven’t heard of it yet, so they turn to their “news” sources which are the legitimate[sic] celebrity magazines that are in the checkout lane next to the tabloids.
  4. Since it is what their readers want, these magazines have to publish stories about Jessica’s larger butt too.  But, since they aren’t disgusting magazines like those dirty little tabloid magazines, they can’t publish a “Hey look how fat Jessica Simpson is” article, so instead they publish the compassionate article.  Jessica Simpson struggles with weight and (pick one or two: depression, loneliness, heartbreak, illness, family problems, etc…)  If you can work in just how really, really, hard it is to be a celebrity, that is a double bonus.  (Check out ABC News’ headline: Curvy, Courageous, or Both? – Extra credit for good journalism if you use a “plus-size” model for your quote.)Of course, this is all a sham so that they can print unflattering photos (bought from paparazzi most likely) of Jessica on the cover while still being able to pretend that they didn’t just publish an article calling Jessica Simpson fat.
  5. This cues the pseudo-celebrity defenders, those whose fame originated via Internet sex tape, reality TV shows, rich daddies, attractive but not so successful athletes, and of course, has-beens.  Always on the look out to perpetuate the myth of their celebrity by getting their name out there, the pseudo-celebrity finds someone, anyone, who is of the media type and sobs out about how unfair everyone is being to poor Jessica Simpson. (See Kim Kardashian in Reality TV Magazine (what the?) )
  6. Now, celebrity “reporters” need to have a celebrity quote for their stories so they actually go out and ask real celebrities what they think of the whole Jessica Simpson thing.  The first ones, of course, have no idea what the heck the reporter is talking about.  This makes the celebrity look cold and out of touch and even worse, makes the “reporter” have to do more “work” by asking another celebrity about it until they have a quote.
  7. At this point, the real celebrities publicists/assistants make sure their clients know about what it going on and what to say based on an easy to use celebrity emotions chart (see below).
  8. Now the regular media get sucked into the whole cacophony because if you put that many famous names on a page, the article is going to get picked up by every newspaper with an AP subscription between LA and New York for their Arts/Entertainment/Culture/Movies section. (URLs have a way of being more honest than you would like.  Case in point on CNN’s site /lemon.jessica.simpson.fat.cnn)
  9. Finally, the whole process concludes with holier-than-thou media figures writing columns about why in the world anyone gives a darn about Jessica Simpson’s weight anyway, and while we’re at it, this is what is wrong with America/The World/The Media/Society/Celebrities/Liberals/Conservatives/Culture/Movies/Hollywood/whatever else is convenient.

It looks like we are at about step 8.  So, the good news is almost done.  The bad news is that we have to put up with the righteous columnists who denounce whatever it is that they always denounce via this whole dust up.  Look for it soon at a newspaper/TV show/website near you.

The only reason this whole episode is even slightly noticeable is that it has put all the wrong people in the position of having to say that it is OK to be fat, in fact, they fully support fatness and all of its joys, it’s just that well…they would never ever be fat, but its OK, because they don’t starve themselves or diet extremely or anything like that.  I mean asking models about someone being fat is just mean.

So, how do they say so thin?  Oh, um…I do yoga.

Celebrity Guide to Commenting On Other Celebrities In the News

To use this Celebrity Guide to Commenting on Other Celebrities, find the issue and then read the proper response.  Remember, this is important to your endorsements and upcoming releases, so really sell it.

  • Got Fat / Weight Gain = Sympathy + Indignant (what’s wrong with being bigger?)
  • Drugs = Disappointed + Hopeful they get the help they need, because they are really great.
  • Said Something Mean = Your mom/dad told you not to say anything if it isn’t nice.
  • Political Statement = No comment, unless named Penn, Sarandon, Robbins, or Bono.
  • Disaster / Catastrophe = Concerned + use the words “in my/our prayers”.
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One thought on “Jessica Simpson Prompts Hypocrisy and Irony”

  1. coffee says:

    it’s gotta be nice for her to relax from what’s probably a ridiculously strict diet

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