Election Emails

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Years ago, we had a friend who personally knew someone who was running for a political office. I don’t even remember who, or what office now. I didn’t know the person running, but my friend knew him and threw a fundraising party. In support, (of the friend, not really the candidate) I attended said party and donated $50, I believe. Political donations require more than just handing someone a check, so I also provided the necessary information, including my email address.

Fortunately, I, like many others, have several different email addresses. The one I use for signing up for things from businesses, or Groupons, or even political campaigns is not the same one I use for business, or the one I use for personal email. That being said, I do skim through that “customer” email account on a regular basis. After all, I really do care if Red Robin sends me a coupon or something. (I only eat the Royal Red Robin burger since I love it and am disappointed whenever I eat anything else there, so I don’t need all the specials for new burgers that I won’t order, but my point is still valid.)

The trick to political emails though is that once you give it to one campaign or candidate, it will eventually end up with everyone in the same political party and all associated organizations because you are a supporter of the cause, or maybe just because you were a fish before, maybe you will be again.

They all do approximately the same thing. First, they say,

“Oh no! Did you hear what the other party just did? It will ruin everything in life.”

Once you know that they are doing terrible, terrible, things. They’ll tell you exactly what you can do to stop them. You want to guess what it is? I’ll give you a hint. It’s the same thing every. single. time.

That’s right!

You should donate money!

Of course, money fixes everything right? Well, not really but they actually only need you for two things, your vote, and your money. The rest of the email is just a way to make it seem legit and not like they are begging.

Since that one day, many years ago, some analyst decided that Obama won the Presidency because he had a better ground game, and a better electronic campaign. So, every campaign has a full court press email strategy.

The short version is that every single politician this election (on both sides, somehow) has been sending me daily emails saying Oh no! Please help us fight. Of course, it would be bad form to send an email every day, so they pretend to be different people just casually and independently reaching out. First comes an email from the candidate, then one from their campaign manager, then one from a volunteer, then one from a concerned citizen group, then one from…

The best part of this is that both sides’ emails tell me how the other side has the upper-hand, and far more money, and how only me and my donations can help fight against the tyranny of the other side’s infinite pile of wealth.

Since that day, over 10 years ago, I’ve donated exactly zero to political campaigns, but hope springs eternal, or more specifically, spamming email addresses is free, and no matter what, they can’t be stopped, because this is an election, and election emails are freedom of speech, and….

So, needless to say, today I’m researching how to set the filters on my yahoo email account.

Have a nice day, and no I won’t send you $100, $25, or even just $5 to save the world from those evil politicians on the other side. I guess we’ll all just have to take our chances.

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